


learn your lesson, lead me home

by fensandmarshes



Series: last night's clothes and tomorrow's dreams 'verse [4]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22564522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fensandmarshes/pseuds/fensandmarshes
Summary: Deadpool zeroes in on one of the hundreds of kittens. “OMG,” he croons.“If you go near that thing and it eats you, you’re not suing us.”“THAT’S SO CUTE,” the highly dangerous ex-military contract killer wanted for murder in sixty different countries whines. “BABY.”Carol covers her face in dismay. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”“THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.”or: the one where wade steals a flerken kitten from captain marvelor: wade stealing a murder kitten for ~700 words queer
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Wade Wilson
Series: last night's clothes and tomorrow's dreams 'verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1535831
Comments: 10
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have decided "fuck it" and i am posting what i have now. this is the flerken context, given their appearances in [ i guess any thrill will do](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22353829/), but it can absolutely be read as a standalone! title from "whispers in the dark" by mumford and sons  
> honestly? this isnt supposed to be good, im just on my last brain cell and need more coffee and to get this done  
> it should probably be clarified: goose has just had kittens. they hatched from eggs. i love comics.  
> enjoy <3

**Carol**

They told Carol he was insane. They told her he would most likely try to steal one of Goose’s many,  _ many  _ (oh, God, so many) kittens. They told her that he was dangerous, unstable, and that he would tell the compound security he was an Avenger and the X-Mansion security that he was an X-Man only to cover someone’s office with silly string and immediately throw himself directly through the drywall and call it an "escape". What they didn’t tell her is that he would try to swing in through one of the compound’s glittering floor-to-ceiling windows, Spider-Kid style, only to discover too late that it was in fact very solid glass (and break through it anyway).

Carol rubs her eyes, does a double-take (it’s been a long few days and she’s running on coffee and willpower), and lets out a long string of swear words. Wade fucking Wilson grins through his mask, claps, points and informs her that he approves of her ability to curse in at least four different languages. 

Carol, for her part,  _ barely  _ restrains her urge to fling him into the sun. 

“How the fuck did you get in here?” she snaps. It’s been a  long  week. She does not have the patience for this right now.

Deadpool squints at her (at least, she thought he did - his mask bunches in ways that seemed to vaguely indicate an amused, incredulous stare) and, over-acting his movements, turns between her and the broken window before meeting her eyes again. “It’s not rocket science, Shazam. The window is  _ right - _ ”

“Hi!” Tic interrupts.

Carol barely has time to think  _ oh FUCK  _ before it happens.

Tic makes a beeline for Deadpool with arms open wide, as if to engulf him in a hug (and Carol realises, vaguely guilty, that that’s probably because she told Tic the other day that hugs were a common greeting on Earth) before recoiling with a start. “Why is there glass sticking out of you?”

“No, no, no,” Carol says.

“Because I crashed through the window,” Deadpool enunciates, condescending, before bobbing a curtsey. “And you are?”

“You two do  _ not  _ get to know each other,” Carol says forcefully.

“Well now.” Deadpool winks in Carol’s direction (she represses a shudder) before turning back to Tic. “That’s a sign we should  _ definitely  _ get to know each other.”

“I’m Tic!” she chirps. “I’m queen of an entire planet, you know.”

“She’s really not,” Carol mutters.

“Oooo,” Deadpool drawls, probably grinning under his stupid-ass mask. “ _ Pleased _ to make your  _ acquaintance, _ your royal highness.”

“I married a king,” Tic says. “It was great. I see him twice a year for family dinners. I have to rhyme whenever I go there, it’s great.”

“She tells this story to everyone she meets,” Carol grumbles for Deadpool’s benefit - which, in itself, is probably enough to make her rethink her place in the world. She’s providing context for contract killers. She’s explaining Tic’s habits to a mass murderer. “I’ve tried to dissuade her, but no luck.”

Deadpool narrows his mask eyes as if he’s smiling underneath there, same as the Spider-Kid’s mask which is almost as expressive as an actual face, before turning his head slightly to the side - and Carol realises she’s still in fact surrounded by kittens. 

One of which Deadpool seems to have zeroed in on. This does not bode well for the kitten’s safety, Carol’s sanity  _ or _ Wilson’s structural integrity, but she can’t think of any way to circumvent his fixation without endangering the lives of multiple baby flerkens and one (1) Tic.

“OMG,” he croons. 

“If you go near that thing and it eats you, you’re not suing us.”

“THAT’S SO CUTE,” the highly dangerous ex-military contract killer wanted for murder in sixty different countries whines. “BABY.”

Carol covers her face in dismay. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

“THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.”

“It will fucking rip your face off and I will laugh and point, Wilson. Laugh. And. Point.”

“Somehow,” Deadpool says contemplatively, “that’s not making it any less cute.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danvers turns in Wade's direction and groans. “You’re still here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally owe my beta [supinetothestars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/supinetothestars) my entire life and her fics are wonderful so go check her out maybe <3

“Okay, Barbara, now’s the time,” Wade mutters as he extracts the kitten from somewhere in his suit. He’s not entirely sure where - honestly it’s a bit hit-and-miss with the hundreds of pockets. Like when he almost ate a cactus that one time - wait, no, that’s further ahead in the continuity. What cactus? Wade doesn’t know any cactus. “This is your first undercover mission,” he hisses to Barbara (it’s important to distinguish that she is, in fact, a normal kitten - as opposed to a murder-y one), “so don’t fuck up our plan. You got this!”

MCU Shazam gives him a dirty look from across the room. He flutters his eyelashes at her while hiding the kitten behind his back, hoping she’ll be disgusted enough to look away, as is the general reaction to his flirting. Stunningly, this does not actually go to plan; she does look away after a moment, though, because one of the many flerken kittens has wrapped its tiny tentacles around her arm.

Which. Adorable. But Wade can’t afford to get distracted right now.

He carefully places Barbara on the ground and reflects that he really didn’t need to worry about the whole ‘bright orange kitten standing out’ thing - the various flerkens littering the room range impressively over the spectrum of cat fur hues. He doubts Danvers will even notice if one of the flerkens seems to mysteriously change colour - the only reason he bothered bringing one at all is that she mentioned on the group chat she’s been counting them each hour. The quote was something along the lines of ‘in case one of you dumbass vigilantes tries to steal one’, but PSYCH - Wade may be less dumb of ass than previously assumed.

Or maybe not. Who’s to say? 

He kneels among the kittens, cooing gently, and catches Brie Larson’s alien sidekick watching intently from across the room, similarly settled on the floor and increasingly covered in kittens by the minute. She narrows her eyes at the spot where he put Barbara down. He raises a finger to his lips and winks.

Tic snickers. 

SCORE.

He roves his eyes among the veritable ocean of kittens. What’s he looking for - a friendly one? A vicious one? One that doesn’t seem like it’ll struggle when he  _ surreptitiously adopts it _ ? Fuck if he knows. Danvers is otherwise preoccupied extracting her arm from where a bunch of kittens have joined forces and tentacles to entrap her; he has to make his decision and make it quick, then get the hell out before she eviscerates him by blinking. (He’s been eviscerated before - it’s not fun.)

A mewl arises above the high-pitched masses of assorted cat sounds, alien sounds and alien cat sounds. There’s a white kitten digging its claws into Wade’s boot.

Wade narrows his eyes at it. It narrows its eyes right back.

He gives it a stern glare to make sure it understands he’s the one in charge. It yawns lazily at him and looks away.

He scoops it up as best he can, putting to use the immense knowledge gained from five minutes of googling (“how to hold cats”); it  _ mrrrp _ s approvingly and nestles into his hand.  _ It fits in the palm of one hand.  _ (Oh, fuck - what if Wade breaks it? Can you … break … kittens? Everything breaks if you’re not careful.)

(He’s gonna be so fucking careful.)

(It blinks at him and roars with the force of a thousand angry Kree Reddit dudebros; the other kittens around the two of them flinch away from its tentacles. Wade decides he’s going to call this kitten Stan Lee. Rest in peace 2k19.)

Mission accomplished! (Or side-quest, anyway.) Time to go. “You know,” Wade wheedles in as obnoxious a voice as he can, “I’m getting the feeling I’m not welcome here, Sparkles.”

Danvers turns in his direction and groans. “You’re still here?”

“The Deadpool, the myth, the legend - in the flesh!” Wade uses the hand not holding Stan Lee to make a heart, only to discover that it’s much more difficult to make hand-hearts with only one free set of fingers. Ah, whatever. She’ll chalk it up to his eternal brokenheartedness, right? Right.

Danvers huffs. “Just don’t get eaten and sue us.”

“I would never - that’s Matt’s schtick. He hates when I come for it and also -”

“Please don’t finish that fucking sentence. Also, who’s Matt?”

“No one. He’s not Daredevil.”

“Mm-hmm,” Danvers sighs. (Wade’s impressed by the amount of revulsion she manages to fit into one sigh - and he knows a thing or two about being repulsed by Deadpool.) “Well, you don’t exactly have the most charismatic personality.”

Wade buries his face in his hands, mock-sobbing; Stan Lee clings frantically to the back of his thigh. Her claws are barely sharp enough to penetrate the fabric of his suit. They’re going to have to work on that. “I am SHOCKED you would insinuate that, Asher Angel. People love me. I have my own franchise. People  _ pay  _ to watch me serve Lady Justice with bladed weapons and/or explosives and/or  _ guns  _ of a size worthy of Frank Castle. Of course, by guns I mean -”

“Yes, Deadpool, we all know what you mean.” Danvers sighs. “Franchise, huh? You probably have an entire department of the NYPD dedicated to cleaning up your messes, at any rate.”

That kinda applies to the Avengers, too - ‘department’ being the entirety of SHIELD. Wade could point this out, but as things stand, he’s very preoccupied with carefully positioning his body to hide his kitten hitchhiker from view. “How dare you erase my multiple blockbuster movies?” he demands, edging slowly towards the open window.

“Someone’s got delusions of grandeur,” Danvers mutters. 

Wade laughs. “Grandeur is one word for it.” 

“Delusions is another.”

“Uh-huh. It was lovely to chat and all,” Wade says, bobbing a curtsey, “but I have a date with the pavement.”

“With the -”

(Three or four seconds of freefall, which he uses to make sure Stan Lee is positioned on top of him so that he’s a human cushion for her. An aesthetically pleasing and incredibly unappealing ‘splat’ noise.)

Danvers sticks her head out the space where a window used to be and peers down at him. “I’M FINE,” he shouts up at her, waving at her with a crooked arm.

“You’re paying to repair this window,” she yells back, cupping her hands around her mouth to amplify the sound.

“TALK TO MY LAWYER, HIS NAME’S MATT MURDOCK,” Wade calls, getting to his feet. 

Stan Lee growls from her disgruntled crouch on his shoulder. Wade overacts his limp as he walks away. Once he’s (hopefully) out of sight, he holds her up to his eye level and grins.

“WE DID IT, STAN LEE,” he whispers.

Carol starts boarding up the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this!!!! i'm hoarding-citrine on tumblr <3

**Author's Note:**

> also a large portion of this is pulled directly from a rp with [ supinetothestars](archiveofourown.org/users/supinetothestars) and she writes good stuff please go check her out id die for her


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